2/18/09

Today I turned 10! Double digits! I got stamps and a $50 credit card. Also of course candy! It’s yummy, so good! Addictive too! My mom is always saying I make her feel old! It’s funny! I promised my life would be good being 10, then better at 11 and on! I hope 16 would be nice too! I love life, it’s so nice and fun! I’ll write my writing from being 10 in here. We’ll have yummies! For my party I’m going to laser tag with my friends! I can’t wait! It will be so fun! I am so happy to be me, especially since I am always happy and ready to be a fun 10 year old. I don’t want to be anyone else, for I am Sadie Olivia. I want to learn and talk to my friends, all of my friends. Today is the day I will start a new life! What to do being 10, maybe get blackheads? Ew! Maybe a boyfriend? Yes! I love getting older, besides going to school but I won’t drop out no matter what!

12/27/11

Okay so one thing that’s on my mind is judgement. I thought about this after having an “argument” with my mom about me being a teenager and all and I realized: No matter how old you are you will be judged by age! When you’re a child, you’re “too young to know better.” Now sometimes it’s cool because you can get away with stuff, but other times you miss out on amazing opportunities because of it. Then, before you know it, you’re a teenager and now you’re “reckless and untrustworthy.” Now this just completely sucks because from the start, no matter how good of a child you were, adults and children are putting their bets on what insane thing you’re going to get mixed into. Will you be a druggy? Will you be a parent? Everyone’s placing their bets, and none will say you’ll continue a stable teenhood. Lastly, when you’re an adult anyone younger than you will say you’re “forgetful and old.” And (as much as I hate to admit it at my age) it’s not fair either. Adults have been there and know what it’s like… sometimes. Anyway, if we get rid of age all together grouped people by maturity, no one would be judged… at least not as much as now.

8/17/13

Suddenly I have become very sad. And I do not know why that is but it scares me the way I can’t fucking figure out how to be happy for more than five minutes. It’s just I can’t hang out with anyone cause I only have 7 friends and 1 is always too busy and 2 I haven’t talked to since the end of 8th grade and the other 4 live very far away. And I am so lonely and so sad and all I want to do is cry but no tears ever come. They just well up until I can’t see so I wipe them away. I have been told numerous times that this is what it’s like being a teenager. Wow, I have one week till high school. I guess that turned on my sad button. I just don’t know what to do or how to really be happy. Seriously, an eighties movie marathon with snacks and cuddling and then midnight conversations in the dark would be so fantastic, but I am alone and sad and angry and I just want to run outside and scream and then lie on the road and go to sleep.

5/1/14

Holy shit. I’m just… holy crap. Let me tell you. I was walking Riley with Wyatt. The sun had just set so the sky dazzled with freckle-like stars and the moon was luminated so bright, it was so beautiful. The dark shade of blue itself was gorgeous. Wyatt ran ahead of me with Riley and I looked at the quiet, dark houses and the big blue sky (I’m talking my eyes when I was a baby blue). And I didn’t hear Wyatt or Riley so I looked ahead. Wyatt was laying on the street, staring at the sky. And then I remembered. I remembered a year ago. It was a cool night like tonight. Mom had made me so angry that night. I was losing it as it was with the girls in my life and sadness and everything. And so that night I ran out into the dark night, the lamps just as they were tonight, the sky only a tad darker, and then I cried. I cried and I lost my goddamn mind. I took a paperclip and dug into the skin below my wrist so hard I bled. I lived with the scars for long after. They burned. That was a year ago, almost exactly. I sat down next to Wyatt and whispered, “It was a year ago.” And I didn’t reply when he asked what was a year ago. I just looked at the stars, listened to the train and the bugs, and thought that if only I had known where I’d be in one year (so happy and on the verge of tears) then I wouldn’t have done it. I wouldn’t have wanted to watch myself burn. And after all that, I’m grateful I did. Goodnight.

11/29/16

I am sad. I am sad because a whole lot is going on in life and I don’t know what to do with it. I failed my drivers test, I’m not sure I’ll get into my #1 school, a girl rejected me last night, and I can’t get a job for shit. Ironically, I currently have the best grades of my life. Usually I’d want to tell everyone what happened. But my voice feels weak and I don’t want to speak. Last night I went to this concert in the basement of a coffee shop. It was dimly lit and super warm. The music shook the floor and I felt it in every part of my body. I wished that I were high or drunk or with someone I could touch. I craved carelessness but I was weirdly so sad. So sad about that girl mostly, but also because senior year isn’t what I thought it’d be. As I walked through the weirdly empty nighttime DC streets, I felt an immense loneliness. I realized that I have not yet forgiven myself for who I used to be. The Sadie that broke all those girls’ hearts carelessly. I hate her. She makes me weak. I’m insecure about the old me to the point that when I talk to any girls I used to date, I’m sad immediately. They have forgiven me but it doesn’t matter; I haven’t forgiven myself. I need to be alone and I need to let go. I have fallen out of love with myself. Yesterday in creative writing I read my ex’s story and this one line settled with me. It went, “When you fall out of love, whether slowly or all at once, all those flaws you fell in love just become flaws.” It stayed with me even before I told that girl how I felt. And after I did, when she told me it wasn’t good timing, I tried to see her flaws as just flaws but I couldn’t. And I know I wasn’t in love with her, I just had this huge crush, but I realized that I could continue to see her as I did. I don’t really know what I’m trying to say. I’m exhausted and I kinda feel sick. If everything in this next month went as I want it to, then I’d have her and my license and an acceptance letter to that school. But I just don’t know where this road goes.

Undated, 2018

Suddenly I was 19 and everything could teach me about life. You think you lose a lot when you go from being a kid to an adult, but you don’t. You only lose one thing. Your limitlessness. But then, when you open yourself up to everything, there it is again and everything can teach you something. And it’s a hard way to live, but it’s the best way to live. What can stop you if you’re open to any possibility? You can control how you see life and that is everything you need. Because it’s not the life we live but the way we perceive it. And I’m happy. And I’m limitless. 

What makes us want the things that we want? Why do I want to go back to you time and time again? I don’t seem to figure it out despite the fact that every day we get farther away from it. It shouldn’t matter anymore but every day it makes less and less sense. I keep wondering how we were who we were and now we’re these different people, like totally different. For a moment, I was something, something amazing and more than I had ever been before. And then I was nothing again.

4/22/20

What is music? What does it do up there, in our minds, that it feels like a stronger orgasm than I’ve ever had before? How my skin shivers at the old or new songs. How I can either go back into the past or ensure that this moment will last forever by listening to a new song. When did I start drinking coffee? I must have been 16. My mom must’ve been so excited to rewrite those boring mormon rules she experienced. Coffee doesn’t really do anything besides getting mom, step-dad, and I into the kitchen all at once. There is something so childlike about my subconscious…

Sometimes I hate my phone, even though I’m the one using it. The way light comes in through the trees and how it lays like a sheet of gold over the ground. It makes my heart race and my breath stop. How could anything look so beautiful? I remember before I learned how to drive, I would sit at the bus stop and listen to Hozier. He sounded like the girl I was in love with at the time. He sounded like when green leaves turn red. How many times have I fallen in love? I ask my Venus in Pisces but she says, “Every goddamn day.” The hardest part was not realizing I had fallen in love with my friends. It makes me mad just thinking about it. I heard this definition of love recently that says it’s about making another human as happy as you possibly can. I like that idea, but it means that every time I fell in love with them romantically, the platonic love I had built up melted off my skin. I don’t want romantic love until that never happens again. I think I love everyone. It doesn’t take much. I love people just for existing. Even when loving someone felt like bleeding out all alone in the forest, I couldn’t stop.

I told myself that every morning before I look at my phone, I would write three pages of whatever came to mind. And when I’m done, I’ll walk straight into the woods. Before quarantine, I never texted anyone back or answered any calls. I didn’t have much love to give, I guess, because I made my friends unhappy. But I forgave myself for my mistakes and I tried to figure out how to be a friend again. This includes a friend to myself. To my physical body, by making her happy. To my mind, by making them happy. To my soul, by making it happy. Before I went to sleep last night, I asked the spirit guides to help me die. I will do so every night. I will rinse myself through the washing machine of time and space by only living for one day. The lifespan of a fly never made sense to me until I contacted divine. Divine said, “What else is there to do?” In my dreams, when the natural disaster hits or my flying fails and I hit the ground, death stops nothing. There is more to dream. So I’ll drink my coffee. I’ll listen to my music. And now I’ll go for a walk.