I’ve always thought the first question one must ask themselves is, “What do I want?” After years of toying with the question in my adolescence, just as I toyed with drugs and sex and existentialism, I realized the first question we must ask is actually, “What does it mean to want something?” I have wanted many things in life, as barren as it has turned out to be financially and as excessive as it has turned out to be emotionally. With wanting things comes both acceptance and denial, truth and lies, selfishness and empathy. I have learned, over and over again, that sometimes what I thought wanted wasn’t truly the case. But as I sit here now, I believe I am the closest I’ve ever been to knowing what I really want.

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The night I was born, the planets were aligned to create the birth chart of a conceivably sane and simultaneously insane human. Most of the time, despite believing so deeply in the twelve quadrants of the sky and their respective personality sculpting, I am sure you don’t need astrology to succeed in life. Maybe your MOON or MARS put a focus on hypersexuality or an inability to create motivation without habits, but these can be derived from the non-linear progression of time just as easily. Sure, even in this case you’re still unconsciously using astrology, but it just proves that not all the pieces of the puzzle are required to solve it. It’s borderline inevitable that I experienced my childhood the way I did with LILITH sitting in SCORPIO during my birth, but it was just as easily to associate those experiences with my current desires in life. How sexually driven I am, the way I look at someone to get what I want, and to the dark side of this duality, the shadow self inside of me that only wants revenge.

That’s my point, anyways. Throughout my research of who I am and therefore what I truly want, I have looked to my birth chart frequently for clues. These are my notes so far:

• AQUARIUS SUN 🠮 I want individuality and the alone time to express it.
• VIRGO ASCENDENT 🠮 I want to reflect the health of my body and mind.
• ARIES MOON 🠮 I want to express the intensity of my emotions.
• PISCES MERCURY 🠮 I want to communicate honestly and spiritually.
• PISCES VENUS 🠮 I want to love one person and the family we create.
• SCORPIO MARS 🠮 I want a vibrant, unique sexual life.

At any given moment I can pull from this information and use it like a Get Out of Jail Free card, reasoning with my self-invented logic that, oh, yes indeed, this is a valid desire traveling quickly through my body and mind. Desires inspired by dreams, fantasies, any place outside of reality. Desires inspired by fear, darkness, and the unknown. When I allude to the airy quality of my birth chart’s Sun, giving it grief for my urge to run away from a committed friendship, what am I really saying? Like I said, what does it mean to want something? Where does wanting something come from?

That’s where astrology becomes less useful than pure, unfiltered experience. I want whatever my mom gives, I don’t want whatever my dad thinks he’s giving, and on and on with everyone and everything we touch. One could argue that every experience we cross creates a desire within us, whether positive or negative. Every person we meet we either want to see again or never want to see again. Every moment we live in, well it’s the same. Do we want more of this or less of this? I’m sitting here, saying it over again: want, want, want, want… 

There’s many subjects our parents don’t have time to cover, but desire is not one of those.  Children, crying, begging in the store for something they believe will satisfy them, they do not know what it means to want something; they know just that since they were born there has been an unseen magnetism moving through their body and into the physical reality. The desire of all desires, however, the one that children are aware they truly need in addition to want, is attention.

How bizarre is any individual human’s desire for attention, how unique each experience with it is. It affects whether they want a social media account, or how many accounts and what sites, and how often they post. It affects romantic and platonic relationships, creating and destroying in the same exact movement. I spend more time trying to receive attention than to give it, personally, and I can say that confidently because I know I am of the majority here. 

I think we need to begin the process of accepting ourselves and our capacities. Here are two things that can exist at the same time: humans can want excessively and give excessively. The amount of times I’ve heard people tell me that I am empathetic and caring and give myself to others so freely, and then those same people tell me that, “You never do anything for yourself; you care more about others than yourself,” boggles my mind. More often than not, I am doing everything for myself. Is this the romance I am looking for, the life I hope to have? Are these the friends I want to be around and when do I want to just be alone? It’s perfectly fine to admit that, to some extent, you have found balance in your own desires and your desire to help others; the two are not mutually exclusive.

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What You Want… Readings for the Signs

I will read one card for each sign and read their true, recent desire.

Readings apply to Sun, Moon, Rising, Mercury, Mars, and Venus.

ARIES ♈︎

Ace of Swords

You want to make the next move. At the moment, you can just barely see the horizon, but you’re confident that what you have been working on is coming together nicely. The issue is that your desires are clouding up your ability to stay present, my little fire friend. Here’s the validation you ordered: you have been working so hard! Emotionally, spiritually, and physically! So take a deep breath; I’m sure you haven’t had one of those in a long time. You can handle the moment of calm before the chaos of success.

TAURUS ♉︎

Two of Pentacles

You want to slow down. Sure, you’re the one who went ahead and manifested all of this abundance now coming your way, but we all know you’re not the best at change, my little earthy friend. First things first, this year has not been the kind of year that allows a Taurus of any placement to feel comfortable. Here’s some homework for you to help with your constant unnerved feeling: give yourself some real, honest alone time. Hide your phone from yourself and go on a walk. Life is only moving this fast because you haven’t stopped receiving information constantly. Just be, Taurus, just be.

GEMINI ♊︎

Eight of Pentacles

You want to make the art you’re passionate about. You moved through the past year watching everyone freaking out and thought to yourself, What’s the big deal? We still have to work. And for months, little cloud, you have been floating through the astrological apocalypse like life isn’t that different. Except your life has changed completely. Allow yourself personal time. Since you tend to spend your alone time on your phone or computer or in a book, I’ll be more specific. Sit with your thoughts… and then! Yes, there’s more! Express yourself. You may be an air sign but you are heavy right now. Let it all go and make art.

CANCER ♋︎

Seven of Cups

You want to experience everything with everyone. Take it easy, little crab. I know that, in spite of your overflowing capacity for love, you’ve come up with many theories on how to live your life to its fullest potential. Here’s the thing, though: life isn’t big enough for every option. I know your life is posed like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, and you’ve barely confirmed what people you want to spend your life hanging out with, let alone the whole big picture. Here’s my advice for you: look deep inside of yourself. Inside those layers and layers of emotion is the truth. You don’t want everyone; you want one thing that you haven’t confessed to yourself.

LEO ♌︎

The Empress

You want to connect to your divine feminine energy. What a charming surprise for a fire tornado like you, Leo! This year has introduced you to a side of yourself otherwise left in the dark: femininity. This isn’t about your appearance or energy, mind you, this is about the way that you handle your goals. Usually you like to complete them with as much energy and passion as possible, but I have the feeling you’re seeing the importance of community and patience. My agenda for you? Embrace the feminine in a way you never have before: follow a makeup tutorial that you like, write a love letter to a friend, pink some flowers, journal about the way today made you feel even if those feelings don’t make sense to you.

(Side note: Are you developing a connection with a Scorpio placement? If so, they’re equally as interested. If you sense they’re making a move, they are.)

VIRGO ♍︎

Queen of Wands

You want to succeed at your 2020 goals. I get it, this year did you no justice. Just like you usually do, you entered this year with concrete goals that, unlike you’re used to, crumbled from mountains to dirt just to mess with your earth magic. First things first, what might compensate for said justice is for you to accept that everything is okay. As for my official advice: look into the psychology behind letting go. Your need for control is causing you to forget that control does not exist in the universe; everything happens simply because it does. You know you’ll get to where you want to go, so take off the heavy luggage of yesterday while you’re here.

LIBRA ♎︎

The World

You want to always feel this satisfied. In spite of any issues that might be derived from work, relationships, or goals, you are feeling a sense of inner peace. Don’t get me wrong, that peace can be disturbed, but overall you’re feeling a sense of confidence in yourself that isn’t always there. The easiest advice I’ve written today is for you, my beautiful gust of wind: soak in all the pleasure of now. And by the way, yes, you will feel this satisfied again, even when the time for pain and learning returns.

SCORPIO ♏︎

The Emperor

You want stability. Oh you misunderstood little stream, no one knows how much time and energy you spend on self improvement. No, that stereotype is always given to the earth signs even though you’ve spent all this time diving into the deepest trenches of your soul. If it’s any consolation, I know you’ve been giving 2020 your all and I’m proud of you. I recommended a hot bath or shower, whatever you prefer, and some (said aloud!) mantras. Repeat after me: “I cannot control the universe’s reaction to me, I can only control my reaction to the universe.” Abundance is on its way, next day delivery.

(Side note: Are you developing a connection with a Leo placement? They’re sitting up there with The Empress, and I think waiting for you to make a move.)

SAGITTARIUS ♐︎

The Star

You want to heal. I know that usually healing, for your brand of fire, involves change and adventure and getting the hell out of your hometown, which is now practically impossible. Consider that maybe the feeling you receive in doing so is possible by doing other things. You want to heal from a year, many years, or a lifetime of oppression in the year that made you sit down and face it. So my advice to you is to face it. You don’t have to learn to love your hometown by vagabonding, just as you do not have to learn to love yourself by loving others. Just love yourself.

CAPRICORN ♑︎

The Chariot

You want to find the value in temporary things. So everything is on track, huh? Any goals that are economic, physical, material, whatever, they’re easy for you. But then there’s the emotional, and I’m positive you haven’t got any goals for that category of life, huh little earth friend? If you have any goals emotionally, it’s simply to not feel your emotions. Relax, buddy. So you want to know how to appreciate the moment? Here you go: do it the Capricorn way, every couple of hours pay attention to your senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Write it in a journal and then, dare I say it, write a poem. Sure, a haiku works.

AQUARIUS ♒︎

Ace of Wands

You want to stop listening to other people. Trust me, I understand. You have been trying, time and time again, to accomplish a personal goal. But that personal goal has been tainted by outside opinions. With Saturn and Jupiter now in your sign, you can’t stand it a second longer. If you haven’t already, launch the project. Begin the goal. Activate the desire. But do it completely and entirely on your own terms; let no one else’s opinion change the outcome.

PISCES ♓︎

Five of Wands

You want to figure out what you want. For a long time now, you have been the hidden beauty of life. When busy bees and socialites ask you, the ocean of the water signs, for advice or ideas, you are cool and collected when you admit that you’re always just relaxing, theorizing at home. Now that everyone is doing the same thing, the universe has flipped your world upside. Suddenly you want to know what it is you should be doing with all the time you’re given. My advice: find joy in the little things. The truth is that the other signs aren’t all out doing things, they’re just pretending to do things, just like we all are, just like you need to.

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Song of the Day