Dreams are the most undeniable evidence of a connection between physical reality and some kind of spiritual realm. Are they visions of our future or subconscious through layers of symbolism? Could they be an entire alternate reality that our spiritual selves travel to? Collectively we haven’t found an agreeable conclusion, but I have personally found both possibilities to be true within my own dreams. I am wildly grateful for a gift I can only assume came from some higher power, being that I can remember all of my dreams. I don’t just mean the dream I had the night before but dreams I’ve had throughout my entire life. For example, the first dream I ever had was an apocalypse created by the devil who had come to earth. Despite there being an entire human population to choose from, he decided to steal my mom. It was my job, even as such a young child, to save her. Oh and, weirdly enough, the song Clocks by Coldplay was playing in the background. Ever since I had this dream, which happened around the same time I became conscious of our physical reality, I would forever remember my dreams like memories.

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WHERE DO DREAMS COME FROM?

My first dream was a vision of my future, I’d later conclude. Later in my childhood I would begin the process of growing up quickly, the result of helping my mom in her journey as a single mom of three kids. Of course, there’s also the fact that the world I’ve grown up in has so many unprecedented, apocalyptic-like events. During middle school I developed a new type of dream. You see, I had this recurring dream that happened to be the most lucid of all my dreams each time it came back. It was a simple plot, my brothers and I would go to a grocery store and steal food for ourselves. Different versions of the dream unraveled within the grocery store, like seeing a cat walk through a curtain in the back of the store or stealing candy instead of meals. The end was always the same and it felt as real as my everyday life: we would run out of the store and each step would become lighter until I jumped into flying. For years I would look forward to this dream just to experience flying again. It certainly felt different, like more than just a message for me to decipher. I truly knew that it was something else altogether when it finally left me for good, replaced by various dreams in which I was learning how to fly but in unique places every time. It got to the point where the moment I was aware that I was dreaming, I’d find the nearest grassy field and immediately start running. The next evolution was becoming lucid in dreams where I attended a school of people from all over the universe who had come to learn about their spiritual gifts. You could argue that I have a great imagination, or that reflecting on my dreams so much is what brought them back. Any theory opposing the idea of this spiritual realm falls apart the moment I’m brought back; the doubts are always left behind as if they can only exist in my physical body.

I’ve also dreamt of waking up in another person’s body, navigating a day in their life. Inevitably, I upset the people who think everything is normal until I try to remember who I really am. Once I made a man’s girlfriend cry because we were on a date and, trying to remember who I was, I looked into the sky and searched for the name of my actual girlfriend. Without considering that she was looking at the man she loved, I shouted the name of my real girlfriend and she burst into tears. Ever since then, I try my best to play along. I mean, who knows? What if I really am inhabiting another person? If so, I definitely caused a man to get dumped and he’ll never understand why.

Humanity wants to believe there is an easy answer. In this case, an easy answer would be finding only one answer. That’s the biggest difference between the physical reality and the spiritual realm; we exist in a finite space that we can measure, but we come from an infinite energy with no purpose for measurements or even answers. Instead of explaining it to death, I created this picture.

Okay, maybe a partial explanation… We can move through time and physical matter either forward or backward. In dreams, we can still move forward or backward but also through the present. If you move through the present then you’d still be in the same moment, but maybe you’d be in someone else’s life or in another realm existing simultaneously with our world. Wait, there’s more! If we can move horizontally through the present, but also forward or backward through what we perceive as time, then wouldn’t we occasionally dream about our future through visions inaccurate to our timeline? …I think I need to make another picture.

This is probably the point where I tell you that this is my perspective of dreams through my perspective of consciousness… but I think you’re mindful enough to take what you want and create the rest yourself. Somehow, despite deep-diving into my personal dreams, explaining my theory of dreams, and creating pictures to clarify, I haven’t even gotten to my original topic for this post. We can imagine what dreams are, but how do we find out what they mean?

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WHAT DO DREAMS MEAN?

Last night, despite needing to wake up at six in the morning, I was up until one a.m. riding my train of thought which had no breaks. From a highlight reel of my day to deeply buried anxieties, not even mindful breathing or focusing on the sounds around me calmed me. I decided to embrace it; I can manage a five hour shift on four hours of sleep if I take a nap as soon as I get home. That’s how I began talking to my spirit guides/higher power/the universe. I’ve been given a lot of random messages lately, a strange mix of names whispered in my ear, segments of conversations between strangers in my thoughts, the whole confusing ordeal. This time I asked for a message, any message they’d like to share, in my dream tonight. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to dream in such a short time period of sleeping, but sure enough it was delivered.

THE DREAM: My dad decided to open his own plant nursery. As a first time business owner, he decided to hire a woman named Susan to help build it successfully. My brothers and I loved the nursery, helping him water the plants and spray each other playfully. My youngest brother loved the stray cats that wandered around, so he built them a home from cardboard boxes under the registers. Later that day, standing outside my house, I stumbled upon a YouTube video posted by Susan. She was saying, “When I got there I found cardboard boxes put together for these stray cats. It had to have been the daughter, who by the way looks like a man and doesn’t wear a bra just to emphasize this. I mean, c’mon, ladies have to wear at least a lace bra, right? But she doesn’t care at all and you can tell that immediately by her appearance…” and on and on with only bad things to say. Enraged, I immediately went to comment on the video in an attempt to embarrass and confront her. She had disabled the comments, leaving me in silent rage. The last moment of the dream was a stray cat running across the sidewalk beside me, dropping a mouse with its organs falling out as it passed.

This was the message left for me to translate.

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STEP ONE: Understand the Symbolism

When I first began decoding my dreams, I leaned on the best catalog of dream interpretations I could find on the internet: Dreammoods.com. For old times’ sake, I’ll start by looking up all of the symbols that stood out to me. 

• Father: To see your father in your dream symbolizes authority and protection… suggests that you need to be more self-reliant. 
• Business: The dream may be a metaphor for aspects of your own personality that you need to deal with.
• Plant Nursery: To dream that you are in a plant nursery represents spiritual development, potential, growth and transformation.
• (Susan) Woman: To see a woman in your dream represents nurturance, passivity, caring nature, and love.
• (Stray) Cats: To see a cat in your dream symbolizes an independent spirit, feminine sexuality, creativity, and power.
• Cardboard boxes: To see a cardboard box in your dream indicates a lack of protection against risk.
• Bra: To dream that you are not wearing a bra indicates that you have no discipline or control.
• (YouTube) Video: It may represent past memories or repressed thoughts that are playing out as the dream video.
• Mouse: To see a mouse in your dream indicates fear, meekness, insignificance and a lack of assertiveness… that you are spending too much time hiding in the shadows of someone else.

(Dreammoods.com)

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STEP TWO: Combine the Symbolism

I am not naturally good at math, and yet I often find myself doing what resembles math in my spiritual and artistic work. Let’s do some math.

Father + Business + Plant Nursery = Instead of waiting around for a higher power to guide me down a spiritual path, I should take responsibility for my own transformations.

Plant Nursery + Cardboard Boxes + Cats = Instead of rejecting my femininity as a way of protecting myself, I should embrace my femininity for it’s divine power which protects me.

Woman + Video + Bra = Instead of ruminating on the lack of nurturing love I experienced in the past, I should have the discipline to trust and rely on my self love.

Cats + Mouse = Instead of perceiving femininity as people-pleasing and meekness, I should acknowledge that it gives me the power to be assertive about my boundaries.

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STEP THREE: Apply the Symbolism Internally

As I wrote this, I watched the dream reach towards reality until it had fully grasped my life. It was honestly enlightening how it all connected. For a majority of my young life I encountered many moments that resulted in a fearful perspective of my own femininity. Most of them became repressed memories that I’m still working to uncover. One unforgettable experience, however, was when a boy on my school bus followed me all the way into my house, introduced himself to my family, and then tried to touch me. I was only thirteen, so my mind couldn’t comprehend how something like this could happen so simply. I started dressing more and more masculine each year. I ended up cutting my hair to the average length of most boys. The combination of this identity change resulted in less of these traumatic experiences. I felt safer, but in reality I avoided learning how to defend my feminine self aggressively and with pride.

When the universe wants you to learn something, it will challenge you in various ways until you give in to the growth. Between then and now, the masculine energy I hid behind contributed to poor communication with the girls I loved. Instead of expressing my honest feelings and accepting the vulnerability of falling in love, which are feminine strengths, I did the opposite. Finally, in my current relationship I am honest and vulnerable. This has led to sobriety, better communication skills, and the truest love I have ever felt. All is dandy, but there are still other areas of my life that hang in the shadow of my feminine truth.

I’ve lived with my girlfriend for over a year and this  experience has put me face to face with the growth needed to love one another unconditionally. Other relationships have enough space for me to continue hiding. The feminine strength that has always prevailed within me is my empathy for others. When someone crosses my boundaries, my reaction is external silence and internal rage. In my silence, time continues on and the distance between the present moment and when that person crossed my boundaries grows. My empathy for them is like a scab, and though I may pick it back open a few times, eventually it heals completely. Every time it heals I find that the next wound is bigger and takes longer to heal. I worry that if I don’t stop others from slicing me open I’ll eventually be one big wound. 

So what does the dream mean? 

THE MEANING: I have everything I need to step out of the shadow and into the light of my feminine power. I will let go of that silence and the internal rage that it births. I can firmly protect myself without sacrificing my empathy or spiritual journey. All that is left of my past is the growth it inspired to push me closer towards my fullest potential. The next time someone crosses my boundaries, I will reply in my strong voice loud enough for them to really hear me. Just as quickly as I turn on the aggressive force of my own self protection, I will turn it off and let the moment go so I may return to the present moment with peace.

What is a dream? After writing this, my answer is just three words.

Whatever you need.