The first time I thought the world was going to end was in 2012. I was in the eighth grade and gripping with the reality that I might die a virgin. More than anything, I was afraid of the end of the world for my own personal reasons; from a spiritual perspective, I’ve always thought that the Earth deserves a decent break from humanity.  What was more ominous, to me, than the destruction of society was really that it could be so simply planned. How, time and time again, humans have willed their end through conspiracies and predictions. Dates became so intimate, even to humans that understand linear time is an illusion.

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The first date that ever stayed with me was 11/11/11, simply for the reason that my wish that day, at 11:11 of course, came true. Following that event, once I entered the tempting aliveness of high school, I found that dates would never become less important. On December 21st, 2020, which is tomorrow as I write this and in the past as you read this, the world will be a different place. It’s strange how eight years ago on this exact day I thought my life might end, but now I feel as though my life might finally begin.

The internet has always been something I’ve invested myself in. At the risk of losing your sense of self, the internet is profitable stock in being validated. I don’t mean validated in the traditional sense, but rather actualized, to be reminded that you are real and you exist here and now. We haven’t been on this planet long enough to recognize what this is all about, this fleeting impression we make by just continuing on with the things that happen and just keep happening. In the internet is a gift, the capacity to be seen by like and unlike kinds, to be known and held in acknowledgement. In some way or another, I have sought acknowledgment. 

In many cases, people have the best luck when they are among their crowd. Our shouts into the void echo much farther among like-minded voices. The crowds may be as big as social justice fighters or as small as an indie anime studio fanbase. Most of the time, I don’t truly believe I’ve ever found my crowd. The variety of content I posted can be seen and felt, but I’ve deduced it as an overlap, that sliver of the Venn Diagram community. So I’ve decided to take a pointer from my younger self and start writing this blog.

One thing many people focus on about me is that I am a barista. My family especially likes to poke at it, how I was always so angsty and always had my face buried in a book, as if that has anything to do with making a Grande Skinny Vanilla latte with almond milk and an extra shot and no foam. No, I like making lattes because of how perfect I can make them if I really take my time. Like a sweet intrusive thought, I can’t help but think of the first sip of the drink, with the perfect amount of foam and the perfect latte art, even though they’ll never see it. Not every day do I view myself as a main character, but being an NPC works fine too. It’s mostly automatic anyways if I’m being honest, so really being a barista is just about balancing hot liquids and going through your queue of thoughts. For a few days now, amidst flat whites and cappuccinos, I have been rewriting this very blog post.

My inspiration for my writing comes from the desire to only follow the rules of literature that I like, as well as any moment where I’ve succeeded at being truly present. I have been complimented before on my ability to see the beauty in anything, but I know that I was just taking inventory of the present. Being present is, in other words, reading the language of the universe. I love giving the will of my attention up to the moment. Anxiety is like mold, it thrives in the dark and dries up in the light. In the present moment, the light of the universe shines down in the form of messages. I’ll give you an example. The other day, I got my pastry bag of tips for the week and decided to spend it on groceries. I considered adding a beer and some chips but decided to stay away from any unnecessary items. To no surprise, I had exactly enough tip money to pay for the groceries. Those are the kind of signs I’m looking for, less of the 444 that I have to search my infinite filing cabinet of a mind for. I prefer the videogame like victories, the undeniable perfection of code. I always felt betrayed as a child about living in a world where we don’t have powers to fly to our homes in the sky, but now I see that even human choices are grand responsibilities for me. So I’ll take what I can get, which is usually seeing 4:44 p.m. every day and being rewarded for basic decisions, like not getting drunk at noon on Sunday.

Ever since I moved out of my parents house, I’ve been imagining that my cat is a spiritual extension of myself and anything she does is a reflection of my inner desires and fears. Who gave me the right to come up with belief systems about my reality? I just use that power to worry that my cat isn’t capable of going outside because I’m afraid of the future. The more I age, the more I understand people who have genuinely lost their minds. Half of the time I’m convinced that will never be me, the other half of the time I’m convinced it’s inevitable. Already I seem to be one foot off the edge, a theory proven by my new addiction, a game on my phone I play so much that my girlfriend officially hates it. To summarize: it’s a life simulator where you simply make decisions. I got particularly obsessed after my first time becoming famous in the game. The truth is that I think escapism is great in healthy doses, and I often encourage my friends and family to give in to desires others might steer them away from. If life is divided into two categories: what exists and what we create, well I’d much rather live in what I create. Sure, even on a spiritual basis it’s impossible to completely ignore reality, but that’s exactly why we might as well try. Who am I kidding? I haven’t read my tarot cards in months, scared of my own magical shadow.

Overall, I believe that in any given moment we have what we need to make it through. Life is both a game of roleplaying as well as a puzzle, pulling from our bare pockets exactly what we need for the next level. That idea is what laid my anxiety to rest. It was born in the stress health class I took in community college and evolved during therapy and is now buried in my mind. I don’t remember how many times I’ve opened wordpress.com, built a website by working for eight hours straight, and then never posting to it again. I have so many bare websites floating in the ocean of the internet. This time, under this conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter in Aquarius leading up to 2021, I feel as though it might not take much effort for me to contribute to my own self expression anymore. Then again, I have an Aquarius stellium waiting to come out into life again.

Only just yesterday, while scrolling through my photos of early 2020, did I feel nostalgia for quarantine time and, at the same time, realize that quarantine caused me to fall into a great, poor mental state. It quite literally drove me over the edge of my own mind. I remember a reading during the first week of quarantine I had done for myself; it told me that I would reveal my shadow self, now and here, in my 10th house profection year. This year I had five different jobs. At the end of the job spree, I ended up at the same company I had left exactly a year prior. I went on a trip around the world just to decide I liked my own home, but that’s life.

My solar return is coming up. I usually realize it’s nearing when I’m intentionally crunching my shoes into the snow. In that moment, under the pleasant feeling of the audital experience, it occurs to me that this is a sign that my lonely AQUARIUS birthday is coming up. One pattern that has solidified in my mind is my tendency to cause distance in my relationships before, or very close to, my solar return. That’s the issue with being an AQUARIUS, of course, but it’s one side effect of a very brilliant life. I have the least nostalgia for my own birth month. The only holiday anyone celebrates is Valentine’s Day, and President’s Day is mostly just a car commercial in my mind at this point, so I avoid love and keep my birthday small. I don’t think I can do that this year, however. Seeing as I am exiting my 10th house profection year and entering my 11th house profection year, I have a feeling I’m about to catch my big break. Out from under the frigidness of CAPRICORN, I will be free. At least that’s what I’m feeling and I don’t invalidate my feelings anymore.

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Haikus for the Signs

You deserve a poem.

Readings apply to Sun, Moon, Rising, Mercury, Mars, and Venus.

ARIES ♈︎

They will not call you

ice, but you are capable

of freezing life over.

TAURUS ♉︎

The mountain you love

is higher than those you hold.

Let’s take the ski lift.

GEMINI ♊︎

To cross the dark side,

the unborn other version,

of a younger you.

CANCER ♋︎

One at a time now,

the grip of you unfiltered

tears cities apart.

LEO ♌︎

I am that I am

and to be or not to be?

I am a mirror.

VIRGO ♍︎

Enough with reading.

The world will keep on turning

if we just push it.

LIBRA ♎︎

She is beautiful.

From where the grass is greener,

unattainable fairy.

SCORPIO ♏︎

So please tell no one,

but want me like you might die.

I know it happens.

SAGITTARIUS ♐︎

If I could catch you

what a daydream it would be.

See you soon, next moon.

CAPRICORN ♑︎

Building blocks of life.

You get stuck on the first line,

you know more than I.

AQUARIUS ♒︎

Hard to understand?

You are brand new every day,

say what you want to.

PISCES ♓︎

Hidden alien one, 

undercover from in space,

let yourself evolve.

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Song of the Day